Recently it has become clear to me that four pillars, or fundamental beliefs, are changing the architecture of my life.

I define pillars as important, strong structural supports. The pillars I write about here are deeply held beliefs and that serve as a lens through which I perceive everything – myself, my relationships, and how communications flows or doesn’t flow in the world. These pillars are transforming the architecture of my life.

Architecture is an art and science of designing and building structures. The structures (or pillars) I share here are ones that reflect my values and beliefs and therefore play a central role in shaping my social identity, how I live and interact with others and how I contribute to various eco-systems and environments of my life. Before sharing the four pillars, however, I would like to share a bit about the fertile soil from which the pillars grew. The soil has three seed ideas that are foremost on my mind these days.

The first seed is the process of slowing down and calming my nervous system so I can focus on what is alive and present around me and in me. As I deepen this ‘slowing down’ practice I’m able to feel and sense more. While the feeling is typically an actual bodily sensation or an emotion, the sensing feels ephemeral or evanescent; perhaps intuition plays a role in this sensing process. I believe there is something that wants to be recognized and become part of my perceptual field and it is becoming clearer to me that the more I invite it in, the more alive it is becoming. It seems I simply need to practice inviting it in. It doesn’t feel like creating a new neuropathway in my brain, I feel it in my body and if I needed to pin point a place it, at this moment, would be my heart. I might as well share with you one area of focus of my sensing. That is, the roots of my strength and tenacity within my ancestral lineage. It was no surprise to me that my father came across prominently but it was unexpected that my maternal great grandmother appeared. I will continue gently inviting this sensing so I may expand my capacity for it while being mindful to not impose my egoic self.

The second seed provides more background context. Fifteen years ago I co-created and co-launched the Emotional CPR (eCPR) a primary prevention education training which teaches people how to support others through emotional crisis/distress. In creating the eCPR process I included what I considered to be the most important lessons of my life which I believe are universal. That is, when I (and others) have been in emotional crisis or experiencing big emotions what I most needed was people to genuinely listen to me without judgement or trying to fix me or fix anything. When people listened to me I remembered I had power and agency. The sense of agency led to a revitalization- of feeling my power which included making some different choices about my life so that it aligned more closely with my values, intentions and vision. Practicing the embodiment of eCPR has significantly contributed to my life and to my evolution. eCPR is one of many pathways to becoming more aware (or conscious) of our self, our self in relationship to others and our self in relationship to the world.

The third seed provides further background to understanding how I fertilized the soil from which the pillars grew. I believe deeply in peer-run respites which embody the power of relational connecting as a way to not only support people through emotional crisis but invite people to transform their lives. Peer-run respites provide a home-like environment where trauma-embodied, healing-focused approaches are proactive, inclusive and imbued with wisdom gained from the lived experience of having moved through emotional crisis. Peer-run respites have, I believe, some of the most significant and meaningful outcomes in the psychiatric or ‘mental health’ universe. I think of them as the north star or the gold standard in terms providing emotional crisis support. For more information on this see the article I recently wrote with Peggy Swarbrick: Spiro, L., & Swarbrick, M. (2024). Peer-Run Respite Approaches to Supporting People Experiencing an Emotional Crisis. Psychiatric Services. https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.ps.20230599

The eCPR and peer-run respite philosophy, processes and practices are ingrained in my life and in all four pillars.

1st pillar: Three Fundamental Human Rights. Thomas Hubl asserts that every human being has three fundamental rights: the right to be seen and heard for who you are, the right to belong to a community that accepts you for who you are, and the right to have the opportunity to flourish. In short, it is the right to be, belong and become. (1) I believe these rights are essential to supporting the highest capacity of individual and collective human evolution.

2nd pillar: Inviting authenticity and believing in the highest future potential of every person

The roots of this pillar came from realizing the impact of not believing in the highest future potential of every person. And the reality of that impact hit me when I understood Otto Scharmer, (co-founder of the Presencing Institute at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology) who coined the term ‘attentional violence’. It is a form of violence that tends to be invisible, unrecognized, and pervasive in our culture. On the interpersonal level “attentional violence is to not to be seen and recognized in terms of who you really are”… when we are seen for our highest future possibility then we are seen as our essential or authentic Self.

When our authentic self and highest future possibility is not seen, then its future potential is cut off from the evolution of the present. Not being seen is a form of violence because it violates fundamental human needs.

When people understand that they are not being seen for who they are and for their fullest future potential, their ability to fully be themselves and create the life they want is diminished. (2)

Inviting authenticity means having an unwavering perspective of believing completely in the full potential of every person, which means seeing beyond the profound effects of various forms of oppression, including but not limited to racism, sexism, classism, ageism, and mental health oppression. This is, I believe, a major reason why peer-run respites have very successful outcomes supporting people through emotional crisis/distress.

3rd pillar: Coping mechanisms are intelligence in action

Coping mechanisms, such as emotional numbness serve as protective intelligence. For example, when I was quite young, I was physically and emotionally abused. When the abuse occurred, I emotionally shut down to protect my vulnerable, authentic self. I went numb and contracted to survive. This numbness or frozenness continued, unawarely, for decades. Recently, I worked on this abuse in a new way- not from an adult perspective but from the eco-system of my young self when the trauma occurred. I do this work with another person, we take turns listening to each other. I sensed into the environment (eco-system) back then: how did it feel being in the house, how was communication, etc. A river of tears flowed out from my gut and immediately afterwards I felt a spaciousness, and a relief. A chunk of the numbness and contraction had melted away. It was gone.

Being listened to in an authentic, respectful manner allowed me to connect with my young self and release long-held and frozen emotions. That process allowed wisdom to flow and there was less need to compartmentalize and be numb. By respecting coping mechanisms (such as my contraction and disassociation) as intelligence, we can assist the person in distress (if they want this kind of support) to gently explore together the layers of distancing (or numbness or retraction), giving the person the space and the support necessary to feel and process their emotions.

In summary, emotional crisis (in both eCPR and peer-run respite) is understood as a valid and meaningful coping mechanism that is protecting the person from trauma or challenging circumstances. By using curious inquiry, we can explore our own as well as other people’s experiences and perspectives and get support for thinking and feeling our way through the emotional distress. I don’t know of a more powerful way to genuinely (from a cellular level not a head/cognitive level) take charge of our lives. This healing process often means venturing into unknown territory and tolerating uncertainty. When a person feels supported they find meaning in big emotions, they regain emotional balance, reclaim their power, and determine their next steps from a more informed stance. The process of emotional release clears the cloudiness we may not have recognized was part of the lens through which we perceived our world. This process of cleaning my lens has magnified my sense of purpose and meaning in my life.

How can "emotional crisis" be a coping mechanism? To illustrate this I look back at my young self. When I was sixteen years of age, growing up in the Washington, D.C. area during the turbulent Vietnam War years I had anxiety about the world I was beginning to enter as an adult- where was my place, my path, and where was the truth. I don’t think my confusion was unusual at this age. One unforgettable day I began to sense that a higher power was propelling me to do a task that meant risking everything including my life. It was scarry but exciting and required a lot of courage. I shared some of the task with my mother and the next day after a quick visit to a psychiatrist I was put in a mental institution and labeled schizophrenic. Now, decades later I had a very different understanding of this “mental illness” experience. My understanding is that spirit (or some force) bypassed my cognitive process and powerfully directed me to go down a new path. A path that would help shift the direction of the country to being more authentic, inclusive and progressive in the community mental healthcare domain. It seems that the “schizophrenic” messages were actually a vision, as they did come true. As Director of the National Coalition for Mental Health Recovery I participated in both congressional and White House policy meetings.

The point being that everything we do to cope is the best we can do at the time. When people use curious inquiry and do not rush to judge and label someone, we can together find the wisdom that lies deeper than the words or the behavior.

4th pillar: “Being With”; authenticity and attunement

“Being with“ means being aware of the impact of our words and actions and communicating in ways that are authentically validating, inviting openness with regard to reflecting on inner experiences and allowing the person to move through their distress. “Being with“ includes practicing attunement (i.e., a feeling of spaciousness and presence) and deepening our ability to be aware of each other’s feelings, respecting each person’s emotions and supporting people to feel cared for and listened to. Practicing attunement enhances my capacity to be sensitive and effective in interacting, communicating, and connecting with people. The invitation is to let go of any feelings or thoughts that interfere with being present with ourselves and with others so we may co-create a safe space that invites deeper mutual learning. The safety of the space we co-create provides an opportunity to explore our emotions and thus to digest and integrate our experience. I have found that this practice opens a creative pathway to explore new choices for living.

Finally, I and others have found that as we deepen our practice of attunement, we tap into inner resources for finding calmness and feeling connected. This practice has led me to feeling more grounded in my body and to deepening relationships- with myself, with other people, and with all of life. The authentic quality of our relationships is critical to co-creating transformative, mutually respectful spaces.

References

(1) Hübl T: Attuned: Practicing Interdependence to Heal Our Trauma—and Our World. Boulder, CO, Sounds True, 2023

(2) https://pi-2022.s3.amazonaws.com/Presencing_Book_Apr2025_Ch1_2_Sample_cf6b727483.pdf